Lau was reading this week's lesson,
Hope Against Depression, last night while I was reading my posts from my old blog,
Anik-Anik, Atbp. Actually, it was my third blog. My first attempt to publicize my thoughts was in Purple Rain, a blog feature from the defunct website of AMiCUS-UPD. I forgot to transfer all my posts to another blog before the site hit non-existence. The second one I entitled Moonshadows, which I decided to erase because of some circumstances. Haha, I remember now. Nabadtrip nga pala ako kasi may nagliligawan sa blog ko, talaga nga naman! (I think my reaction then was, "Ang kapal ha, sa blog ko pa talaga nagligawan!" Hahaha)
Anyway, so Anik-anik, atbp came to be, and my first entry was entitled Circles (the one I reposted). Siguro nasasakal lang ako sa sitwasyon ko before na kahit mga friends ko kinaiiritahan ko. I was really that aligaga that time. And my excuse then was, "I'm brokenhearted and depressed." Haha. And I think that image stayed to a point where it became synonymous to me -- Si Ligay, ang babaeng pinagsakluban ng langit at lupa! (Other synonyms would be "Ang babaeng mahilig sa True Love," "Ang babaeng mahilig sa mga pag-ibig na puno ng tandang-pananong at tandang-padamdam," among others. Haha, adik lang.) That blog became a shock absorber, where I can just rant all day, where I release all the negativity inside my brain, where I vent out all my frustrations and emotions. It actually became easier for my friends to understand me (because every time they ask me what's wrong, I would just break down and cry. I was THAT emo! Gulay!)
But something must have changed over the years. I still burst out emo-shits occasionally, pero kumakabig agad. Because the truth is, I don't have a reason, or even the right, to be depressed or whine about things that are happening or not happening.
So when Lau read the seven signs of depression, there's still a thought that I would score maybe 3 over 7 or 4 over 7. Lau said she scored 6 over 7. Hehe. Surprisingly, I got butata. ZERO. And I was like, "So sa ating tatlo dito, ako ang walang bahid ng depression? Ganun? Parang hindi naman..." So inisa-isa nila sa akin why I failed the depression test:
Depression causes a variety of painful manifestations:
- a deep sense of sadness (sorrow): Sabi nina Lau, hindi naman daw ako malungkot. Wala naman daw akong reason para malungkot. Sabi ko, hindi ba pwedeng maging reason ang kawalan ko ng lovelife? Tiningnan lang nila ako, at natawa ako kasi, honestly hindi ko naman siya pinoproblema. Pero part yun ng new year's resolution ko. Hehe. Yun nga lang, bakit mo poproblemahin ang bagay na wala? Or kung meron, e bakit mo pa poproblemahin? Hehehe.
- a lack of motivation to do anything, even enjoyable activities: Marami naman akong bagay na ine-enjoy gawin. Sulok, for example. Kahit ngarag-ngaragan, I still love being a part of it. At ineenjoy ko naman ang pagsusulat, pagdaldal, pagtawa, pagkain, hahaha!!! Ako na ang mababaw ang kaligayahan! :)
- a change in appetite and either weight loss or gain: Actually, problema ko nga ang hindi pagbaba ng timbang ko! HAHAHA! At anong loss of appetite? Walang ganun! Sarap kumain nu! Kaya hindi talaga ako mamayat! :P
- sleep disturbances, sleeping either not enough or too much: wala naman masyado, mahilig lang akong magpuyat at kailangan kong gumising ng maaga kaya minsan kulang ang tulog ko (kaya rin siguro may biglang pag-e-emo na nagaganap, hmmm...)
- feelings of low self-esteem: Sabi ni Sheli, wala daw ako nito. Never daw ako nagkaroon ng low self-esteem! Grabe naman, meron naman, hindi ko nga lang ine-entertain! Because, sabi sa Bible, I am "fearfully and wonderfully made" so bakit ako mag-iinarte? Buti nga kumpleto ako (sobra pa nga e, ng taba!!! hehe). May iba nga na may kulang pero nagagawa pa rin nilang magpasalamat. So sino ako para hindi pasalamatan ang lahat ng meron o wala ako, diba?
- poor reasoning and memory: Ewan ko lang ha, pero sabi ni Sheli, ako daw ang may pinakamaayos na memorya at reasoning powers sa aming tatlo ngayon. Bolera naman 'yang si Sheli, hahaha! Sabi ko sa kanya, I have selective amnesia kaya, maraming detalye sa past ko ang hindi ko maalala. Sabi niya, pinipili mo lang naman ang maaalala at hindi. Ayun, sapul! Hahaha
- thoughts of death and suicide: NO! I am so vain to even think of killing myself, sabi nila. Hahaha. But really, hindi talaga. Siguro dati, pero kapag naiisip ko kung paano ko papatayin ang sarili ko parang... eeeeeewww... Imagine, sasaksakin mo sarili mo, sakit kaya nun! O kaya uminom ng lason? Yuck kaya lasa nun. O kaya magbigti? E yung paghihintay mo na mamatay e nakakaloka kaya, wag na!!! Hahaha
Sabi rin sa lesson, a basic coping strategy for depression consists of talking to a friend who knows how to listen, and there's a healing effect in verbalizing thoughts and feelings. So maybe the reason why I don't feel depressed is because I have friends whom I can talk to with whatever. And for all the depressions I had, sila talaga ang nagtitiyaga sa akin. :) And of course, I can talk to my mom openly. We're like the best of friends. We fight, yes, but at least I can voice out my frustrations without a thought of being forsaken or whatever. Hehe.
And maybe because I talk a lot. Talk meaning write all my thoughts about anything and everything. I can verbalize my feelings and thoughts easily daw. Nagiging emo lang daw ako kasi I'm an emotion-sucking vampire, I feed on other people's emotions! Hahahaha!
But I think, the best coping mechanism talaga for depression is prayer. I don't want to sound preachy or anything, but it's the truth. Knowing someone listens to you with whatever things you want to say saves you from killing yourself. And the best listener still, for me, is my Lord.
So, guard your heart, people! Nagpa-fluctuate madalas ang emosyon ng mga tao ngayong buwan! HAHAHA. And don't forget to pray. :)
