Manila Chronicles: Ang Maging Babae

Dahil may event ang opisina at kailangang dumamit ng maayos, dalawang araw akong naghahagilap ng masusuot bilang wala akong makitang damit na magkakasya sa akin. Alam mo yung pakiramdam na masikip sayo ang medium pero maluwag sayo ang large? Yung hindi mo mawari kung magmumukha kang suman o parachute? Nakakababa ng self-esteem yun, hindi maganda. Tapos tatambad sayo sa salamin sa fitting room ng hindi pamilyar na lugar ang hindi mo maunawaang hugis ng iyong katawan. Parang kahit mag-isa ka doon ay nililibak ka ng mga anino ng imaheng dati nang humarap sa salamin na iyon. Kung nakakapayat lang ang inis, baka namayat na ako ng bigla.

Hinuhugis daw ng lipunan ang mga preference ng tao --ang konspeto ng maganda, ng maayos; ng pangit, ng nakakaasiwa. At ang maging babae sa lipunang punong-puno ng ganitong panlalason ay parang pagsasaksak sa sarili nang hindi mo nalalaman, ng walang kalaban-laban. Unti-unti mong kinaiinisan ang sarili dahil hindi ka magkasya sa inilatag na kaayusan ng lipunan.

Hindi ako magkasya sa sizes ng damit na meron.

Tapos maririnig mo ang boss mo sa kanyang walang kakupas-kupas na panlilibak, sa mismong gabi ng event, "Bakit ang taba-taba mo?" Ayun na. Para na akong pinagsakluban ng langit at lupa. Pero tuloy pa rin sa pagngiti hanggang sa matapos ang gabi.

Sa MRT, may nakahiwalay na sakayan ng lalaki at babae. Minsan, mas nakakamatay sumakay sa bahagi ng mga babae. Hindi nila pagbibigyan ang kapwa nila babae. Ang fierce!

At sa gitna ng delikadong sitwasyon na ito, doon pa talaga ako mahihilo bilang nagsisimula na pala ang buwanang sumpa sa pagiging isang babae ko. Wala na akong pakialam. Nagsabi ako sa katapat kong babae kung pwedeng makiupo dahil nahihilo na ako. Pinagbigyan rin naman niya ako.

Minsan, nadadaan lang din naman sa pakiusapan.

Ang Pagtakas

Biglang darating.

Bigla ring aalis.

Maglalaho na tila hindi umiral.
Ako.

Sampid.

Biglang darating.

Bigla ring aalis.

Maglalahong parang bula.

Ako.

Wala.

Di aamin.

"I am a bad case of imperfection."

Alam mo, nararamdaman kita. Nararamdaman ko kung gaano ka nasasaktan sa akin. At nasasaktan ako. Pero anong gagawin ko sa distansiyang pumapagitan sa atin? Traydor ang distansya at mapanlinlang ang panahon. Kung hindi natin tatanggapin ang sakit ngayon, baka hindi natin makayanan ang sakit sa kalaunan.

Kaya mas mabuti nang ngayon na lang.

Kung kailan hindi pa tayo pinagkakanlulo ng distansya at pinaglalaruan ng panahon.

Dahil wala akong mapagsulatang iba...

Tama naman ang kaibigan kong si Deo e. Isa akong malaking duwag. Magaling lang akong magsalita pero wala, kapag nandiyan na mas pinipili ko pa ring magtago o tumakas.

Hayyy...

Pinag-uusapan kasi namin kanina ang tungkol sa pag-ibig, bilang pareho kaming nababato sa aming mga ginagawa sa trabaho. Nasa Thailand pala siya at ako ay, well, basta nasa Pilipinas. Hehe. Hindi ko alam kung paano napunta ang usapan namin sa pag-ibig. Kasi ang alam ko, trabaho ang pinag-uusapan namin e. Pero 'yun, napunta na lang bigla ang usapan sa masalimuot na mundo ng pag-ibig. Madalas naman naming pag-usapan ang mga ganitong bagay pero kanina lang niya natumbok ang totoong estado ng aking pagkatao.

Ang sabi ko sa kanya, kanya-kanya namang kaduwagan 'yan. Sumang-ayon naman siya. Kung siya ang kinatatakutan ay ang pagkabaliw, ako ang kinatatakutan ko ay pag-ibig. Takot daw akong umibig. Takot daw akong tumalon. Nilalabanan ko daw sa tuwing dumarating ako sa puntong ganito.

Hindi ko rin alam bakit hindi na ako makasalita o makabawi sa kanyang sinabi dahil sa mga nakaraan naman naming usapan, lagi lang akong bumabalikwas kapag nako-corner na. Wala, kanina hindi na ako nakapanlaban pa at inamin ko na lang na duwag ako. Plus tawa, siyempre.

E ano naman ba naman pang gagawin kong pagtanggi e nakita na niya ang tunay kong kulay. Sabi ko na lang na huwag niyang ipagsasabi.

E bakit nga ba ako natatakot?

...

Hindi ko rin alam.

Siguro, tulad ng sabi ko sa kanya kanina, kakaunti na lang kasi ang natitirang tapang sa akin at kung lagi't lagi kong gagamitin at isusugal ang tapang na yun sa pagtalon, baka wala nang matira kung kailan kailangang-kailangan ko ng tapang na yun. Hindi rin naman dapat basta-bastang tumalon.

At totoo rin naman na hindi pa ulit ako bumabagsak sa napakatagal na pagkahulog na ito. Parang habang-buhay na lang yata akong mahuhulog, habang-buhay na lang akong matutuwa sa konsepto ng pag-ibig pero wala naman talagang totoong kinababagsakan, wala namang totoong minamahal.

O baka naman kasi ayaw ko naman talagang bumagsak. Dahil masakit yun. Pero nakakabato at nakakapikon na ang walang-katapusang pagkahulog na ito. Nagiging manhid na ako at baka sa oras na mahulog na ako ay hindi ko na mapansin dahil nasanay na lang ako sa pakiramdam nang laging nahuhulog na walang kinababagsakan.

Hindi ko alam.

Pero kung sakaling iibig akong muli, pwede naman kasing hindi ako mahulog diba? Pwede namang may magpapatigil lang sa walang-katapusang pagkahulog na ito.

Knight in Shining Armor?

So ang peg ko ay isang Damsel-in-Distress. Yuck, ayoko pa naman nun. Pero anong magagawa natin, minsan naghahanap lang tayo ng mala-Robin Padilla na sasagip sa atin mula sa saksakan nang tarik na bangin. Oh well...

Kung pang-leading lady lang siguro ang karakter ko, pwede. Pero hindi bagay sa akin yun e. Pang-extra o kontrabida lang ang karakter ko. At karaniwan sa mga istorya, dedma ang buong mundo kung anong mangyari sa mga extra at kontrabida.

Ako lang naman lagi ang nagkakagusto sa mga kontrabida at extra.

:(

Punto de Vista v.2

The clouds are like fairies dancing to the rhythm of the blowing wind. The sun lights up everything it kisses. Ah! Blue is blue and green is green indeed. All the colors stay true and lies are swept away by the waving sea.

This is such a pretty place.

Yun lang.

"If it's a broken part, replace it. If it's a broken arm then brace it. If it's a broken heart then face it." --Details in the Fabric, Jason Mraz

Narealize ko lang na kapag tumatanda ka na pala, hindi mo na kinakatakutan ang mga bagay na dati mong kinakatakutan. Yun nga lang, may mga bagay rin na dating hindi mo kinakatakutan ang ngayo'y kinakatakutan mo na, nang bongga.

Tulad halimbawa ng rejection. Kung dati ayos lang mabasted ng makailang ulit kasi fresh pa naman ang puso mo, kaya mo pang i-take ang lahat ng sakit. Kasi alam mong sa kinabukasan, nagrerefresh lang ng kusa ang puso mo.

Kaya lang habang tumatagal, marami kang natutunan. Natututo kang lumaban sa sakit. natututo kang umiwas sa sakit. Natututo kang matakot sa sakit. Hanggang sa ayaw mo na sa sakit, dahil pwede namang hindi masaktan.

Yun nga lang, hindi ka naman pwedeng magmahal nang hindi sumusugal na masaktan.

Kaya mo pa bang magmahal?

Ayoko ng Ulan

Ayoko ng ulan. Dahil para akong nilulunod nito sa dagat ng kalungkutan.

Hindi ako marunong lumangoy. At hindi ako siguradong may sasagip sa akin o kung gusto nila akong sagipin. Ang iba'y para lang nakakita ng basurang tinatangay ng alon.

Walang gustong humawak ng basura. Walang gustong sumagip ng basura. Ang basura, tinatapon. Sinusunog. Hinahayaang matangay ng hangin. Ng tubig. Ng pagkaagnas. Ng paglimot.

Ayoko ng ulan. Dahil kaya ako nitong lunurin.

At walang sasagip sa akin.

Moda-modahan sa Hapon

Iisang langit lamang ang nagkakanlong sa ating dalawa, at ngayon kahit gaano ka kalayo, sa bibihirang pagkakataong ito, pareho tayo ng langit na tinitingnan. Sa katunayan, malapit ka kumpara sa dati. Kung pwede nga lang sana kitang abutin, pinilit ko na sanang idinipa ang aking mga braso't kamay para lang maabot ka. Pero kahit na ang layo mo sa akin ay kulang lang sa isang dipa, hindi pa rin kita pwedeng abutin. Hindi na pwede.

Kaya hanggang sa ganito na lang ako -- nalulugod sa miminsanang pagmasid sa magandang dapithapong dumaraan nang sabay sa ating dalawa.

Panandaliang Aliw

Parang one night stand lang or one-day promo...














Had the opportunity to use Nikon D40 in Baguio last weekend. Buti na lang, the office owns one and they let me use it. :P

Nakikipagkilala pa ako sa DSLR. I still have tons of things to learn, so please be nice. (Thanks to Amer, though, and to his photojourn lectures in our 2007 CJW escapade.) :P

Wow, Update!

Hello Multiply! It's been a while!

(Note: The next sentences will leave you to tears with all my dramatic explanation why I haven't written anything for the last weeks, begging for some kind of compassion and understanding from my loyal readers all over the world...

Of course, it's an exaggeration. Hahaha. Nothing of that sort will ever happen -- asa pa akong may magbasa ng blog na'to! Hehe -- except for the drama thing because as you know, I can drama/ emo all night at will! Hehe! But not this time. I'll save it some other time! hehe...)

I have been busy with so many tasks - job, Sulok, etc. -  that I completely neglected my blogs. Yes, not only you, Xiauismo, so don't make tampo! :) And since my ego button has been activated due to some inspiration-turned-frustration, I decided I should lose weight and jog again. Yes, again! Hehe. I used to jog in AIT almost everyday before the gruesome Thesis period. When I stopped, ayun, I gained so much weight, and inches too! hahaha Now, I've decided I want a beach bod at least before my last slot in the calendar ceases to exist. Hehehe. Oh dear, me and my fantasies! Hahaha. And that is why I haven't had the time to write. So much for a reason, huh?

But seriously, I should start writing soon, actually, I should start writing right about now. Direk Arjay gave me the task of writing the script for Sulok's next stage play. :( But thinking about all the possible materials for it, I always get lost. I cant seem to give it a good twist. My style of writing is totally different (READ: DARK) than Arjay's so, I am having these hesitations that affect my desire to write. Hehe.

But well, I have to.

Anyway, it's GNO tonight with Lau, Sheli and Grets. I was supposed to cook dinner (Puso ng Saging recipes) but I got so tired from work, not in the mood to cook. So we just dined at Friuli. Same table as always, same sitting arrangement too! Hahaha! Kilala na yata kami dun coz we always eat there. Friuli, by the way, is just a few steps away from our place. Madaling gawin excuse ang hindi pagluluto. Hehe.

It's always nice talking with these girls. Sheli, Grets and I were still trying to convince Lau to sign up in Twitter. Hahaha! But she's too hard to convince! Pa-hard-to-get! (Plus all the other topics which I am not gonna tell here. Hahaha!) That's just for the GNO. Chika at chibog. :) After dinner, the unexpected happened... I had the urge to write!

Lo and behold! Wahahaha! Ito na yun, yung gusto kong isulat! Boinks!

Hahahaha!

The Ring

Pangalawa na 'to.

Unang beses, si Said, yung Mexicanong Civil Engr na nagpi-PhD ngayon sa Unibersidad Nacional de Autonoma de Mexico (UNAM) na gwapo at swak ang trip sa trip ko. Sayang yun, pero noon naman e dinedma ko lang talaga ang singsing na nakita ko sa palasingsingan sa kaliwang kamay niya. Hindi rin naman niya kinuwento. Mas nakuwento pa nga niya ang nanay at dalawang kapatid niyang babae na mas panganay sa kanya. After ilang araw, na-confirm ko na lang na totoo ang ibig sabihin ng singsing niya.

Ngayon naman, walang singsing. So inassume ko na single ito, so pwede. Nag-ilusyon. Nagpa-cute. Maraming kilig moments ng mag-isa - dahil hindi rin naman niya ako pinapansin - at nagbabalak magpa-cute sa mga susunod na araw. E biglang nalaman kong wala, may asawa na at anak si THE CRUSH. So wala nang pagpapacute na magaganap.

Hay. Badtrip.

Nagsusumixteen Series: Harmless and Innocent

Dalawa ang crush ko ngayon: isang HARMLESS na pagka-crush at isang INNOCENT crush (at pagkacrush na rin).

(At oo, naririnig ko ang sarili kong sumisigaw, "Eeeeewwww, Ligay!!! Crush? Uso pa ba yan sa edad mo? My gulay!!!" Whatever. Age doesn't matter, does it? hahaha *boogsh*)

Anyhoo, si Harmless crush, a.k.a THE CRUSH, ay ang aking THE CRUSH! Hahaha. First time ko siyang nakita somehow nakuha niya agad atensyon ko. Di ko lang inaamin sa sarili ko. Tipong sa isang room na may mahigit 20 na tao, siya lang ang naalala ko paglabas ko ng kwarto. Hehehe... (Partly dahil kamukha niya si The Ex na sabi nina Lau at Sheli ay hindi naman, ay mali HINDI pala ang sabi nila.) Wala (pa) akong masyadong alam sa kanya at nagnanakaw lamang ako ng silay, sulyap, ngiti, SB sa kanya. Hindi rin pwedeng lumagpas ang landi powers to 1% dahil malalagot ako. Kaya harmless. Harmless pa ako! Hehe. May isang pagkakataon lang na nagkasalubong kami sa corridor at sabi niya, "Hi! Sharon, right?" with matching ngiting pagkatamis-tamis! At ako'y natunaw na parang ice cream na nabilad sa araw. LOL!

Si INNOCENT crush naman ay inosente. Hindi niya alam na crush ko siya at wala akong balak sabihin sa kanya dahil ito'y paglabag sa batas sibil ng Pilipinas: corrupting minors! Hahaha! Natutuwa lang ako sa kanyang pagkabibo. At para sa mga nakakakilala sa akin, wag kayong mag-alala hindi ko haharassin yung bata! Hahaha. Wag lang siyang magpapakita ng motibo kundi... :P BOO!!!

Sila ang nagbibigay kulay sa grayscale kong buhay ngayon, At sabi nga ni Lau, dapat daw siya rin magkaroon na ng crush. Hihihihi.

Pero sana si THE CRUSH maging si THE ONE! Hihihi

Ikaw, sinong crush mo?

:)

Landslide

"Well, I've been afraid of changing

'cause I've built my life around you.

but time makes you bolder

even children get older

and I'm getting older too..."

I heard the song from Smashing Pumpkins way back...

Then heard Sheli played a Glee version of the song... and I remembered the song. If I have more than enough time to make a video now, I would. But maybe I'll do that some other time. For now, just this video grabbed from youtube.

(I'll write again soon, promise...)

Para kay THE CRUSH

I Do Not Love Thee   

by Caroline Elizabeth Sarah Norton

I do not love thee!—no! I do not love thee!

And yet when thou art absent I am sad;

   And envy even the bright blue sky above thee,

Whose quiet stars may see thee and be glad.

I do not love thee!—yet, I know not why,

Whate’er thou dost seems still well done, to me:

   And often in my solitude I sigh

That those I do love are not more like thee!

I do not love thee!—yet, when thou art gone,

I hate the sound (though those who speak be dear)

   Which breaks the lingering echo of the tone

Thy voice of music leaves upon my ear.

I do not love thee!—yet thy speaking eyes,

With their deep, bright, and most expressive blue,

   Between me and the midnight heaven arise,

Oftener than any eyes I ever knew.

I know I do not love thee! yet, alas!

Others will scarcely trust my candid heart;

   And oft I catch them smiling as they pass,

Because they see me gazing where thou art.

Meet Chuchi

Out of boredom, habang nagtatake-down ng notes sa isang uber-boring na seminar/ conference. Kaya siya makulay, para macompensate ang pagiging boring ng sirkumstansya ng kanyang pag-iral. :P

Drawing: Ligay's kamay
Kulay: Photoshop, the one that perfectly touches your skin! hehehe ^^

Nagsusumixteen Series: Sinong crush mo doon?

Naaalala mo ba nung bata ka na kaya ka sumasagot ng slambook/ slumbook ay dahil sa gusto mong ipagsigawan/ ipamalita/ ipareserve kung sino ang crush mo? Oh well, ako hindi dahil wala akong pansagot sa "Who is your crush?" nung bata ako. Delayed reaction ako sa ganyan! Haha. Highschool na ako nagkacrush, at wala sa sinumang naging crush ko ang naging crush din ako (nakasama ko nga lang sa Sagada yung isa after naming hindi magkita ng mahigit sampung taon, hahahaha! Pero wala pa rin! Maling diskarte! Harhar)

So, fastforward (konti pang forward... more... more...hehe) may bago akong pansagot sa slumbook/slambook. Hindi lang ako sigurado if I 'crush' him because he's really interesting or dahil lang may semblance siya sa kakilala ko, mas matangkad nga lang ito, but the angas, mehn, yun lang! :)

First time ko siya makita, si Voldemort (kasi he must not be named e, hehe) na talaga ang naisip ko. Naisip ko nun, "E bakit may kamukha niya dito?" Yung sumunod na beses, hmm, ganda ng pwets mo tsong! haha. Third time, nangingiti na ako. Wala na! Crush ko na siya! Hahaha. Eto pa, bukas mas madalas ko na siyang makikita because you know, the universe may be conspiring for somthing... funny! hahaha. Di ko alam, nagulat lang din ako! Basta yun. ^__________________________^ Hindi ko mapigilan ngiti ko! Badtrip! Hahaha. Sana lang e single pa ito kundi lalagapak na naman ang crushlife ko! At hindi yun maganda! :P

Signs of Life

http://misteravid.tumblr.com/post/3273571268/what-the-bitter-ones-should-do-today

Break through hoping your demons can't catch you. So many people with a good view if you should ever be the one to hit the ground. There's stop signs on the wrong highway and it's so dark looking for answers but your headlights have already gone out. You're looking for a spark. Can April hours spring signs of life in me? 

A heart that's been buried in the ground can't break if its never found. I spent so much time digging that grave. And even if it's pain that I feel at least I know that its real. I'd rather be broken than afraid. 

Its a long ride, dont think its over. It's a fine line between disaster and a good time. Pick up the pieces and find out who you are. It's a cool sound you know youre hiding for a meltdown. Feeling the pressure like a landslide, you have to figure out why you fell apart. 

Just slow down and take it in stride. There's no deadlines as long as you're alive.

--Signs of Life, Lifehouse

Wawenta Post

Dapat may sasabihin daw ako. 'Yung tipong parang utot na kailangang ilabas para daw di na sumakit ang tiyan.

E narealize ko, wala naman palang kwenta at hindi na importante. Nag-iinarte lang ako. Matagal naman na palang wala ang sakit ng tiyan. Papansin lang!

HAHAHA!

Yun lang! :)

Unlikely

Lau was reading this week's lesson, Hope Against Depression, last night while I was reading my posts from my old blog, Anik-Anik, Atbp. Actually, it was my third blog. My first attempt to publicize my thoughts was in Purple Rain, a blog feature from the defunct website of AMiCUS-UPD. I forgot to transfer all my posts to another blog before the site hit non-existence. The second one I entitled Moonshadows, which I decided to erase because of some circumstances. Haha, I remember now. Nabadtrip nga pala ako kasi may nagliligawan sa blog ko, talaga nga naman! (I think my reaction then was, "Ang kapal ha, sa blog ko pa talaga nagligawan!" Hahaha)

Anyway, so Anik-anik, atbp came to be, and my first entry was entitled Circles (the one I reposted). Siguro nasasakal lang ako sa sitwasyon ko before na kahit mga friends ko kinaiiritahan ko. I was really that aligaga that time. And my excuse then was, "I'm brokenhearted and depressed." Haha. And I think that image stayed to a point where it became synonymous to me -- Si Ligay, ang babaeng pinagsakluban ng langit at lupa! (Other synonyms would be "Ang babaeng mahilig sa True Love," "Ang babaeng mahilig sa mga pag-ibig na puno ng tandang-pananong at tandang-padamdam," among others. Haha, adik lang.) That blog became a shock absorber, where I can just rant all day, where I release all the negativity inside my brain, where I vent out all my frustrations and emotions. It actually became easier for my friends to understand me (because every time they ask me what's wrong, I would just break down and cry. I was THAT emo! Gulay!)

But something must have changed over the years. I still burst out emo-shits occasionally, pero kumakabig agad. Because the truth is, I don't have a reason, or even the right, to be depressed or whine about things that are happening or not happening.

So when Lau read the seven signs of depression, there's still a thought that I would score maybe 3 over 7 or 4 over 7. Lau said she scored 6 over 7. Hehe. Surprisingly, I got butata. ZERO. And I was like, "So sa ating tatlo dito, ako ang walang bahid ng depression? Ganun? Parang hindi naman..." So inisa-isa nila sa akin why I failed the depression test:

Depression causes a variety of painful manifestations:

• a deep sense of sadness (sorrow): Sabi nina Lau, hindi naman daw ako malungkot. Wala naman daw akong reason para malungkot. Sabi ko, hindi ba pwedeng maging reason ang kawalan ko ng lovelife? Tiningnan lang nila ako, at natawa ako kasi, honestly hindi ko naman siya pinoproblema. Pero part yun ng new year's resolution ko. Hehe. Yun nga lang, bakit mo poproblemahin ang bagay na wala? Or kung meron, e bakit mo pa poproblemahin? Hehehe.
  
  
• a lack of motivation to do anything, even enjoyable activities: Marami naman akong bagay na ine-enjoy gawin. Sulok, for example. Kahit ngarag-ngaragan, I still love being a part of it. At ineenjoy ko naman ang pagsusulat, pagdaldal, pagtawa, pagkain, hahaha!!! Ako na ang mababaw ang kaligayahan! :)
  
  
• a change in appetite and either weight loss or gain: Actually, problema ko nga ang hindi pagbaba ng timbang ko! HAHAHA! At anong loss of appetite? Walang ganun! Sarap kumain nu! Kaya hindi talaga ako mamayat! :P
  
  
• sleep disturbances, sleeping either not enough or too much: wala naman masyado, mahilig lang akong magpuyat at kailangan kong gumising ng maaga kaya minsan kulang ang tulog ko (kaya rin siguro may biglang pag-e-emo na nagaganap, hmmm...)
  
  
• feelings of low self-esteem: Sabi ni Sheli, wala daw ako nito. Never daw ako nagkaroon ng low self-esteem! Grabe naman, meron naman, hindi ko nga lang ine-entertain! Because, sabi sa Bible, I am "fearfully and wonderfully made" so bakit ako mag-iinarte? Buti nga kumpleto ako (sobra pa nga e, ng taba!!! hehe). May iba nga na may kulang pero nagagawa pa rin nilang magpasalamat. So sino ako para hindi pasalamatan ang lahat ng meron o wala ako, diba?
  
  
• poor reasoning and memory: Ewan ko lang ha, pero sabi ni Sheli, ako daw ang may pinakamaayos na memorya at reasoning powers sa aming tatlo ngayon. Bolera naman 'yang si Sheli, hahaha! Sabi ko sa kanya, I have selective amnesia kaya, maraming detalye sa past ko ang hindi ko maalala. Sabi niya, pinipili mo lang naman ang maaalala at hindi. Ayun, sapul! Hahaha
  
  
• thoughts of death and suicide: NO! I am so vain to even think of killing myself, sabi nila. Hahaha. But really, hindi talaga. Siguro dati, pero kapag naiisip ko kung paano ko papatayin ang sarili ko parang... eeeeeewww... Imagine, sasaksakin mo sarili mo, sakit kaya nun! O kaya uminom ng lason? Yuck kaya lasa nun. O kaya magbigti? E yung paghihintay mo na mamatay e nakakaloka kaya, wag na!!! Hahaha

 

Sabi rin sa lesson, a basic coping strategy for depression consists of talking to a friend who knows how to listen, and there's a healing effect in verbalizing thoughts and feelings. So maybe the reason why I don't feel depressed is because I have friends whom I can talk to with whatever. And for all the depressions I had, sila talaga ang nagtitiyaga sa akin. :) And of course, I can talk to my mom openly. We're like the best of friends. We fight, yes, but at least I can voice out my frustrations without a thought of being forsaken or whatever. Hehe.

And maybe because I talk a lot. Talk meaning write all my thoughts about anything and everything. I can verbalize my feelings and thoughts easily daw. Nagiging emo lang daw ako kasi I'm an emotion-sucking vampire, I feed on other people's emotions! Hahahaha!

But I think, the best coping mechanism talaga for depression is prayer. I don't want to sound preachy or anything, but it's the truth. Knowing someone listens to you with whatever things you want to say saves you from killing yourself. And the best listener still, for me, is my Lord.

So, guard your heart, people! Nagpa-fluctuate madalas ang emosyon ng mga tao ngayong buwan! HAHAHA. And don't forget to pray. :)

Repost: Circles

The thing about circles is that there is no room for change; there are no corners to express your individuality, your happiness, your sadness. You’re stuck with who you were and what you have then.

And so you have your circle of friends –those whom you trust, those who stayed by your side through thickness and thinness, those who accept you for whoever you are and those who encourage you for whoever you will become. Yet sometimes you just hate being surrounded by them. You know that they will always have something to say with everything that you do. Even their silence could mean something.

Let’s say you’ve been hurt by someone you’ve loved for the longest time. Your friends wanted to protect you, and you let them. As fragile as a glass, you go on to find strength to move on. You tell yourself, “Hey, it’s his loss, not mine. Try to live your life apart from him. Live a life.”

It would be tough but you were convinced that everything’s going to be fine. And so you went on trying that new outlook in life. You live apart from him, well, at least for a few days. Then you realized that it’s harder than you thought because you are friends. Or at least, both of you are claiming to be. You are both trying to salvage a friendship and you understand that throwing that friendship away is just as tough as getting over him. And the worse part is that your friends are also his friends. You just can’t get rid of him as easily as you want it to be.

Getting over him, saving friendships –and to think that you’re not a superhero, you have no superpowers to deal with everything all at the same time. But that’s the fact. That’s the reality that you want to maintain, you’re friends with him minus the feeling.

Plus, you are blessed by friends who are so concerned about your well-being. It's as if they are trying to be your fairy godmother, or your personal Confucius. I guess the latter is more applicable. You know you can’t blame them because they are only concerned with what you feel, but sometimes they just make things more confusing, and you become more confused. Sure, they see things clearly more than you do but I guess they sometimes forget that it is not that easy to do things as quickly as a snap, especially when it comes to emotional dilemmas, just like what you are in right now.

Is staying in that circle the best thing to do? Or maybe you have to get out of there for a little while so that you can see things, as much as they see them? Or maybe getting some “corner” in that circle would greatly help? But if that’s the case, it would not be circle anymore.

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Hindi ko na maalala kung bakit ko 'to sinulat, malamang nag-aangas lang ako! hahaha. April 2005 ko daw siya sinulat. Sori pero di ko na maalala anong nangyari nun. Selective amnesia. hehehe